In-Laws or Out-Laws: post by South Asian Parent

Check out South Asian Parent for a post on South Asian in-laws and kodd: http://www.southasianparent.com/dare/in-laws-or-out-laws/#comment-2404

Featured Post: “Conceited” Mother-In-Law

Awhile back when I was gathering in-law experiences, a daughter-in-law shared her story of her “conceited” mother-in-law:

“Our conversations used to be filled with how wonderful she (MIL) is, in which indirectly she would imply I’m not as wonderful. She was oblivious to the fact that she was offending others. That being said, after I had my baby, our relationship has improved. She helps with watching my daughter, although she does sometimes remind that she is making sacrifices in watching her. Because she is busy with my daughter, she doesn’t follow me around as much telling me how great she is.”

I imagine that this would eventually become frustrating, if it isn’t already for this daughter-in-law (DIL). Jokingly, we all toot our own horn sometimes. But constantly reminding someone of how wonderful you are is in bad taste.

At first, most of us would assume that this MIL holds herself in high regard and is basically “full of herself.” However, the more you think about this MIL, the sooner you’ll realize that she probably has low self-esteem. My guess is that she feels like she needs to build herself up in front of others so they don’t see the “real” her. Or maybe she desires extra attention or appreciation to compensate for her low self-confidence.

Regardless of the reason, I wonder how this MIL would react if suddenly the DIL started acknowledging and appreciating her positive characteristics or behaviors. Is it possible that this MIL would feel appreciated and not feel like she needs to point out her all of her “wonderful” characteristics?

Of course, there’s a possibility that this MIL genuinely thinks very highly of herself. At that point, there isn’t much this DIL can do to change her MIL’s tendency toward self-promotion. This DIL may want to consider talking with her MIL about how she feels under appreciated. As always, this DIL should try to make it about herself and how it would make her feel better if the situation changed, rather than pointing fingers at her MIL. This DIL doesn’t yet know her MIL’s intentions behind her statements, so we don’t want to assume that this MIL has ill intentions.

The great part is that their relationship improved.

How would you handle this situation? What advice would you give this DIL in approaching her MIL?

Quote: Respect

“If you respect your marriage, you will respect your in-laws. ”

You don’t have to like your in-laws or like spending time with them but for the sake of your marriage, you need to try your best to respect them. It’s probably important to your spouse so it needs to be important to you. Respect isn’t necessarily related to agreement with how they live their lives or agreeing with what they want from you. Respect is making sure the other person can maintain their dignity and not attacking their character.

Planning for a Marriage, not just a Wedding

With wedding season around the corner, soon-to-be brides and grooms are going through checklists to make sure they haven’t overlooked any details for their weddings. Many spend a whole year planning in hopes that their weddings are “perfect.” I must admit, I was guilty of spending quite some time planning my wedding years ago. I was fortunate enough to have help from my sister-in-law (a professional event planner), amazing friends, and my family, which allowed me extra time to work on my upcoming marriage.

If your upcoming events are your sole focus, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You’re best approach would be finding a healthy BALANCE in planning a wedding and planning a marriage. If it’s affordable, hire a wedding planner so that you could place your efforts toward securing your future with your spouse. Let’s face it, a wedding lasts a few hours. A marriage hopefully lasts a lifetime.

So here is my handy-dandy checklist for PLANNING A MARRIAGE:

1. Figure out where you’re going to live. What country? What county? What city? Will you be closer to your spouse’s work or your’s? Also, if you or your spouse get an amazing job in another state or city, does he or she expect you to move?

An acquaintance once told me that his fiance didn’t know that eventually he plans to move to another country and that she’ll have no choice but to follow. Shouldn’t these things be discussed beforehand? Maybe you’d follow your girl/guy to the moon, but not everyone would.

2. Have you clearly discussed and understood each others professional/educational goals? What about personal goals? And will any of your future spouse’s goals affect you? There are many married folks who decide to go back to school to further their education. That may delay having kids or possibly force you to have a one-income household.

3. Talk about money! I can’t emphasize this enough. Money and children are the main sources of conflict in marriage. Avoid some of it by coming to an understanding about your finances. Discuss if you will have joint bank accounts. And if you do, will you be allocating any money each month for personal “fun money?” If you have separate accounts, will one of you be paying for the rent/mortgage, while the other pays for utilities and groceries? In addition, if you are purchasing a high cost item, do you have to discuss it with your spouse before you buy it? If something is twenty dollars, you can probably just buy it without talking it over. But what if the item is $500? Does that require a consultation?

Also, do either one of your have debt? Once you get married, you will be sharing that burden. How much money is in your savings and/or checking accounts? You may even want to consider exploring each other’s credit scores. That will affect you when you’re ready to buy a house or a car. These questions are just a starting point. I recommend exploring every detail of your finances before tying the knot.

4. Talk about visiting family/in-laws. How often will you be seeing either set of in-laws? When I got married, I was overwhelmed with trying to find a healthy balance between spending time alone with my spouse and time with family. Keep in mind that your families will be adjusting to change also, and they may experience “empty-nest syndrome” or may just be missing you. Over time you will find a balance that works for you, but in the beginning, the demands may be hard to handle. If you talk about in-laws/family pre-marriage, the demands may be easier to manage.

5. Are in-laws going to live with you? Will you be supporting your in-laws financially in the future? In the South Asian culture, and many cultures around the world, we are expected to care for our elders. Some people may not share that expectation. Talk about it even if you share the same background.

6. Have you talked about kids? Hopefully, in all the excitement of getting to know each other, you have talked about kids at least once. If you haven’t, do it now. Also, discuss how many kids you want and when you want to start trying to have kids. Would you or your spouse consider adoption or being foster parents if either one of you physically can’t have kids? Important things to consider.

7. What’s your physical health like? Both of you may want to consider getting a physical examination to check for STDs or any other health concerns. And if you have a health condition, does your future spouse know? In the South Asian culture, there is a stigma attached to physical and mental health conditions. We all know families that have tried to downplay or hide the fact that a person has an illness. Nothing is wrong with having an illness, but if your future spouse doesn’t know, then how can he or she be emotionally or physically ready to handle it and help support you?

8. Criminal records? Normally you’d see this question listed on an employment application but this is relevant to marriage. Unfortunately, I know of a situation in which a wife was unaware that her husband had a criminal background and had been in prison before. Maybe this wouldn’t have been difficult news to handle if it was discussed beforehand.

9. Are you taking your spouse’s last name? Years before it was assumed that the woman would take on the man’s last name. In recent times, there are more females keeping their last names or couples hyphenating their names. Talk about this beforehand if you haven’t done so already.

10. Are either one of you going to be a stay-at-home spouse/parent? This question is self-explanatory.

11. Have you discuss household responsibilities? Do either one of you have expectations of each other when it comes to household activities such as cleaning and cooking? You don’t have to decide everything right away. Naturally, over time, you’ll both figure out what works and what doesn’t. But you don’t want to be blind sighted by an un-addressed expectation.

12. Premarital counseling. Regardless of the strength of your relationship, you may find benefit in premarital counseling. Here’s a brief summary on what to expect in a premarital counseling session: http://voices.yahoo.com/advantages-pre-marital-counseling-1944016.html

This list is not all-inclusive. Use this as a starting point in making sure you have a good understanding of what to expect after you’re married. I love weddings as much as the next person but the goal is to find a balance between planning for the wedding and planning for the marriage. The wedding is a celebration of your marriage, but as you (hopefully) know, a happy and successful marriage is more important.

I wish you soon to be married couple and already married couples life-long happiness, respect, love, and great in-law relationships!

________

You may also be interested in reading: Finding a Spouse and Figuring Out if He or She is The One:

If you’re married already, you may be interested in: How to Strengthen your Marriage

Focus on the Marriage

It’s common for people (more often women) to put most of their effort toward planning a wedding, rather than planning for the marriage. Find a healthy balance. -by me (Nadia Shah)

Managing Relationships with In-laws After a Divorce By Masala Mommas

South Asian In-Laws was interviewed by Masala Mommas. Check out their great article on Managing Relationships with In-Laws After a Divorce: http://masalamommas.com/2012/03/29/managing-relationships-inlaws-after-divorce/

Finding a Spouse and Figuring Out if He or She is “The One”

You might be wondering why I would write about finding the right spouse when this website is about in-laws. Well, if you don’t get married (or form a domestic partnership) then you won’t have in-laws. And who doesn’t want in-laws?? (don’t answer that).

Let me start by telling you how I met my husband. A friend of mine (Thank you Waj!) had a class with him in college. They became friends and she ended up inviting him to her sister’s birthday party. My husband didn’t know many people, so a few friends and I went up to him and started talking. From then on, our group of friends started inviting him to birthdays, hang out sessions, etc., and I quickly realized that I had a little crush on him. My biggest challenge was that he was extremely shy (which he says was part of his master “plan”). I figured if I wanted to get to know this mystery man better, I’d have to put some extra effort. I ended up emailing him open-ended questions to keep the conversation going, and we went back and forth for months (all in between seeing each other randomly at group hang outs). Of course there was some innocent flirting in the emails, along with more serious questions. Eventually I asked him why he didn’t just call me. From then, we talked almost every day for hours. It got to the point that we both knew we liked each other but hadn’t said it yet. We decided to meet in person to talk about what was happening. After expressing our “liking” for each other, our relationship took off and we have been happily committed since then.
The point of my long, drawn-out story is to show that if there is someone that you’re interested in, whether you‘re a girl or a guy, you must put yourself out there a little. Guys don’t always have to be the pursuer, and the only risk you are taking is the risk of rejection. I know it hurts, but if you don’t try, you’ve already failed.

So here some suggestions on finding a partner:

1. Write it Down. Spend a little time to write down a list of characteristics that you want in a person. Try to avoid superficial characteristics or a list that is too long or unrealistic. My list included characteristics like kind-hearted, open-minded, and even-tempered.  An article on CSULB’s website suggests paying attention to some specific qualities such as maturity and integrity. More of their suggestions on choosing a partner can be found here: http://www.csulb.edu/divisions/students/hrc/health_topics/choose_partner.htm

Non-Negotiables. Once you know what you are looking for, keep those characteristics in mind. Figure out which of those qualities are “non-negotiable”, but also remember that the “right” partner for you may not check every single box on your list. And, if possible, discuss with your family what their expectations are for your future spouse. Will they disapprove or interfere if you try to marry someone with certain characteristics, or a background that they don’t like? Try to be considerate of your potential partner’s feelings by not stringing him or her along and then discussing with your parents if they would approve of him or her.

Age is Just a Number. Maybe this is a personal frustration, but does a 40 year old man really need someone in their 20s? Be open to the idea that your spouse may be older or younger. My husband is seven days younger than me. It would have been a huge mistake If one of us had written the other off based solely on our age difference.

2. Where Would your Ideal Spouse be on a Saturday Night? Now that you know what type of person you want, think about where he or she would hang out. If your ideal guy is someone who volunteers, then start volunteering more often and be open to the idea that you may meet someone during a volunteering event. If your ideal girl is religious, go to a mosque, church, temple or wherever you worship. No place should be off limits if your intentions are pure.

3. Match-Making Websites and Events. Ignore the stigma attached to match-making events and attend one. Your ideal mate might be there! Also, consider match-making sites like shaadi.com, match.com, Eharmony, and other sites that may be helpful. Match.com released a statistic in 2010 reporting that 1 in 6 couples married in the previous 3 years met online (http://cp.match.com/cppp/media/CMB_Study.PDF). That could be you!

4. Arranged Marriages. Try not ruling out the option of arranged marriages or introductions via family or friends. Our ancestors have had arranged marriages and many of those marriages worked out. The concept of an arranged marriage can be modified to fit your needs. Maybe your parent or friend introduces you to someone they think may be compatible; then you take it from there and get to know that person on your own.

5. Your Ex May be Someone Else’s Future. Some may disagree, but just because YOUR relationship with your ex didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that it won’t work out for one of your friends. I believe in fate and destiny (as many Desis do). Maybe your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend (or even someone you just had a crush on) is in your friend’s destiny. Now, if you still have feelings for your ex, you obviously should work those out before you introduce him or her to someone else. But who knows? Maybe your future spouse, or the future spouse of one of your friends, just broke up with someone you know.

A note for the ladies (and some guys): If you‘re approached at a party or anywhere else by someone you‘re not interested in, go easy on him (or her). He (or she) is taking a big risk. You may also want to use that moment to re-evaluate your criteria.  

If you have met a potential spouse, here are some things to consider:

1. Get to Know Each Other at a Deeper Level. I’m sure you can spend all day talking about your favorite foods and favorite movies, but eventually you need to take the surface level conversation deeper. Talk about family values, core beliefs, financial issues, future goals, where he/she wants to live, etc. These made up the bulk of the emails and phone calls my husband and I sent back and forth.

There’s a book you may want to consider called 100 Essential Questions to Ask  Before You Say “I Do,” by Susan Piver. She lists some of the questions in this CNN article: http://articles.cnn.com/2007-08-02/living/o.marriage.questions_1_question-dieting-work?_s=PM:LIVING

If you are Muslim, you may want to consider Before the Wedding:  Questions for Muslims to Ask Before Getting Married by Munira Lekovi Ezzeldine. You can buy it here: http://www.beforetheweddingbook.com/

2. You May Have Married Your Partner but You Also Married His/Her Family. I can’t reinforce this enough, as it‘s essentially the purpose of this site. You’re marrying a family when you get married, especially within the South Asian culture. It’s EXCEEDINGLY important to get to know your potential spouse’s family. If you’re someone who believes that you’ll marry regardless of what his or her family is like, that’s, of course, perfectly fine too. But the way his family raised him will influence how he or she will act in a relationship. It’s good to at least get a baseline and figure out where your spouse is coming from.

3. Don’t be Easy. I don’t mean play “hard to get,” as no one likes playing games. But our culture has become more liberal over time so this advice applies now more than ever: If you become physically intimate on a first date, the guy or gal may lose some respect for you. And that loss of respect can be directly proportional to the level of physical intimacy. It’s human nature; people are more attracted to others that aren’t so easy to get. In the South Asian culture, many of us also consider what our parents will think about our future spouse and our courtship period. Make sure you don’t do anything you’ll regret.

4. Allow Yourself to be Somewhat Vulnerable. Chances are that you have been emotionally hurt before and as a result, you may have convinced yourself that you shouldn’t be vulnerable again. But to find love, you have to allow some level of vulnerability. Walter Anderson, an author, summarized it well, “We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone-but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.”

There are so many aspects to consider in a potential spouse that there’s no possible way to know everything. But the “getting to know you stage” is probably the most exciting time in any relationship. Make sure you use it wisely.

My hope is that, if you do want to get married (or enter into a domestic partnership for those that can’t get married), you find the right partner and have a lifetime of happiness, respect, and love together. I also hope that when you have challenges with your in-laws you revisit this site to look for support and guidance.

I’d love to hear your take. What do you think?

If you liked this article, you may be interested in How to Strengthen your Marriage

Honoring the Other Woman in your Spouse’s Life

In honor of International Women’s Day, I want to celebrate the women in many of our lives: Mother-In-Laws (MIL)! Below are just a few of the many reasons your MIL is (or can be) a wonderful part of your life:

1. She can teach you new recipes that your spouse probably loves. No one cooks like mom, right?

2. Though forming a strong relationship can be challenging, working at it can help you become a more patient person.

3. She will help expose you to a new family culture, and everyone can benefit from learning about cultures different from their own.

4. If she lives nearby or with you, you can borrow her clothes, shoes, and jewelry. I know I do!

5. She will love to babysit your kids for FREE! What Desi person doesn’t like the word “free”!?

6. Even if she doesn‘t give you compliments in person, she most likely brags about you to her friends and makes you look great! Many Desis are all about representing their family in the best light.

7. She can be a second mom. She may not show it, but most MILs, especially those with no daughters themselves, enjoy and are excited about having a daughter-in-laws. Or at least my optimistic side hopes that your MIL appreciates you (because you are wonderful!)

8. And most importantly, she probably raised your spouse! If you have a good relationship with your spouse, then be grateful to your MIL because she’s had a huge hand in who he or she is .

Not everyone has a wonderful MIL, but it helps to focus on qualities of your MIL that you can appreciate. Maybe you appreciate or admire her strength, demeanor, or the role in your spouse’s life. Even in the most difficult or “horrible” people, there are always a couple positive characteristics. Make it a goal to try to find good in the bad. South Asian In-Laws exists to help improve all relationships, especially in-law relationships. I encourage you to visit often, share your knowledge and advice, and look for guidance when you are experiencing challenges. Our goal is that, one day, everyone will be able to form a list on why their in-laws are wonderful.

News Article: Daughter-in-law Sentenced to Life Imprisonment for Killing MIL

Read the following article about a daughter-in-law (DIL) in India that killed her mother-in-law. This happened about 1 1/2 years ago but this DIL was recently sentenced to life imprisonment. This is one of many horrible incidents that occur between in-laws. This article doesn’t provide many details regarding the DIL’s reasoning; however, regardless of her reasoning, she committed a horrible act, probably out of desperation and confusion. If you get a chance, read some of the comments after the article.

South Asians oftentimes deny that in-law issues exist. Maybe if we were more open to talking about our challenges, then we can learn how to overcome them. Maybe if this DIL had support and guidance, she wouldn’t have committed such a heinous crime.

http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2012-03-04/bhubaneswar/31121251_1_life-imprisonment-priyanka-wife-of-dire-consequences

Wisdom from an Experienced Mother-in-Law

A mother-in-law (that chooses to remain anonymous) shares her wisdom below on how to build and maintain a positive relationship with your in-laws.

1. Try to understand your in-laws’ “family culture” and way of doing things.

2. Figure out what expectations they have of you.

3. Even if you don’t want to, spend some time to get to know your in-laws and include them in your life somehow.

4. Show your in-laws that you care about them.

5. Set boundaries, indirectly or directly, so you can maintain mutual respect and love without interfering in each others’ lives.

6. Gain your spouse’s support so you remain united.

7. Be aware of others that may be intentionally or unintentionally trying to harm your marriage and your relationship with your in-laws.

8. And just like everyone emphasizes, work on improving your communication.

Matrimonials: Seeking Spouse from Fantasy Land

Do either one of the matrimonial ads above sound unrealistic to you? I definitely hope so. I’m sure all of us have met people with similar unrealistic expectations. Unfortunately, those people are destined for disappointment. It’s unrealistic to expect someone to meet ALL of your wants. And if you do expect your husband, mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, or anyone else to fulfill all of your expectations, you can almost be a hundred percent sure that you will experience unnecessary struggles, disappointments, and unhappiness. I created the ads above based on some real expectations that mother-in-laws had of their daughter-in-laws and daughter-in-laws of their mother-in-laws and husbands.

Make your expectations more realistic and your chances of being happier will increase. What do you think?

Would you live with your in-laws?

Regardless of if you are married or will be (or won’t be), please answer this one question poll. This question is for daughter-in-laws, son-in-laws, mother-in-laws, father-in-laws, or other potential in-laws. Sometimes our circumstances don’t provide too many options and one of those options may be to live with in-laws or have in-laws live with you. In the South Asian culture this is a common practice. And, although this practice is common, many choose not to live with in-laws or have difficulty adjusting to living together. What do you think? Would you live with your in-laws? And why?